We recently got our paws on these little things called Tenga Eggs and, at first, we weren’t sure what we were dealing with. For one, we didn’t know what to expect once the thing was unwrapped, so we held our breath and prepared for the coming surprise. It turns out the Tenga Egg is this cool pocket-sized masturbating accessory, so obviously, our interest was immediately piqued.
Upon closer inspection, it was clear that the Tenga Egg was not a kid-friendly gift from the Easter Bunny – at least, not from the Easter Bunny we remember. Furthermore, it didn’t take too long before our team was lost in a mountain of deconstructed eggs and lubricants, as well as these floppy cup-looking things that looked like a contact lens and a used condom fucked and had a flaccid baby. If we didn’t already know what they were supposed to be used for, we might have mistaken them for larva and called the exterminator.
Despite their unusual appearance, we discovered that each of the Tenga Eggs would give us a different sensation. Running our fingers along the surface we felt the unique patterning of soft ribbons and bumps along the inside of each. Unfortunately, we didn’t prepare ourselves because the little buggers didn’t look like much. Boy, were we wrong.
If you like a pleasant penis surprise, you’ll probably dig the eggs. Chances are, you’ll find something you like in the dirty dozen. In fact, the Tenga brand, which sells everything from vibrators to lotions, offers 17 different egg models to choose from.
What Is the Tenga Egg?
The Tenga egg is this thin piece of malleable plastic that is designed to enhance masturbation. It feels a bit like a mixture between skin, rubber, plastic, and playdough. It is dome-shaped just like an egg, hence the clever nomenclature. It is made by a popular UK-based company that is known for its unique variety of convenient sex toys.
The egg, which comes in a variety of sexy styles, can be purchased singly or in a pack. We tried out the pack just so we could experience some random excitement. After a while of testing sex toys, not much catches your attention anymore. It did, however, occur to us that the Tenga Egg is one of the only sex toys on the market that is suitable for all penis sizes.
How Is It Used?
The Tenga Egg is rather rudimentary, which makes it surprising that nobody else has invented one yet. The first step involves you unwrapping it from its plastic packaging and popping open the egg like one of those fake Easter eggs you find in the yard. There will not be candy or money inside, just the egg and a packet of Tenga-brand lubricant tucked in the center. We weren’t happy about it either, until we started using it.
Designed to be used either alone or with a partner, we suggest getting it out and ready before you start (if possible). Simply squeeze some of the lube into the egg-shaped cup, squish it a little to ensure proper coating, and then slide it over your dick like a huge condom. It won’t feel so amazing at first, but just wait.
We split our team into two groups, and each group got all 17 egg varieties. Group One was manual, and Group Two had a partner. Both groups reported that the sensation was pretty much the same, given the different sources of pumping. The manufacturer does not recommend using this thing internally, so don’t get any ideas. Just lay back and enjoy what the modern world has given you – a disposable dick sock that’s ribbed for your pleasure.
Our Honest Opinion
We know, as well as you know, that all sex toys are not the same. When you’re holding something in the palm of your hand, there’s a chance you might second guess its durability and value. After using the shit out of these things, here are the pros and cons that our team came up with:
- Play the Field: there are a dozen and a half different textures to try
- Destroy the Evidence: they are completely disposable
- Push It to the Limits: the material stretches to accommodate all penis sizes
- Have It Your Way: they allow for customizable speed and pressure
- Tuck and Run: they’re the size of an actual egg
- The Complete Package: everything you need to pump one out is contained inside the egg
- Waste Not, Want Not: they can only be used once (or twice if you’re nasty)
- Show Me the Money: they’re kind of expensive considering how often you have to replace them
- A Rose by Any Other Name: some of the textures didn’t feel much different from the others (or maybe our dicks were raw)
We had a lot of positive things to say about the Tenga Egg, but nothing on today’s market is perfect. After all, if we didn’t have some qualms with these things you’d think we were trying to sell you shit. Our objective here is to help you achieve the best nut of your life. That’s all. Choose for yourself.
FUNNY TENGA EGG COMMERCIAL
A Quick Overview of the Brand Lineup
As mentioned, the Tenga brand offers 17 different Eggs. We took the time to examine each one closely, because if you’re anything like us, you take your jizz seriously. Here is a simple guide to help you figure out which one, if any, is right for your dick. You’re welcome(click on the images to enlarge them):
Dance – nothing special about this one, besides the colorful art on the outside of the egg and the mold of a man dancing on the walls, both of which are in honor of Keith Haring and designed to help you get your rocks off in style.
Shiny – has a sun-like shape on the top and “rays” cascading down the inside walls to give users what they call “a gleaming smile.” We thought it was more like a “satisfactory grin,” but what do we know?
Our Final Thoughts
Granted, it’s fun to accessorize your sexual experience. What’s not fun, however, is running around with blue balls trying to chase down a new Egg every time you want to feel something better than a palm. If you are a fan of experiencing different sensations on your cock but you’re not into the whole “keeping inventory” thing, we suggest using something else.
Sure, the Tenga Eggs are cool, compact, and fun, but nothing quite does the trick like a good old fashioned fake vagina like the Fleshlight – one that you can whip out at any moment and give major hell to. Plus, the Fleshlight brand offers a bunch of compact versions as well, which you can find by clicking here. We don’t know about you, but we don’t like waiting for the mail to come . . . to come. Just saying.